In psychology, we call this individuation. The goal of adolescence is for kids to separate from their parents. The Goal of Adolescence is for Kids to Separate From Their Parents In the end, you can’t fix your childhood through your child. When I was a teen, I sure didn’t want to hang out with my parents, and that’s okay. They may not listen to the word “no” because you never used it or taught them how to deal with it. They may not respect your authority as a result. Indeed, you may think your child will like you more if you’re their friend. And that may have harmful unintended consequences. In reaction to how you were parented as a child, you form a way of parenting that’s not healthy for your child.įor example, if your emotional needs weren’t met, you may overcompensate by trying to be your child’s friend and smothering your child with attention and affection. This overcompensating is referred to as reaction formation by psychologists. Likewise, if you were raised in an overly strict household, you may be overly lenient with your child. For example, if you were wild and out-of-control, you may be overly strict with your child because you don’t want your child to take the same risks and make the same mistakes that you did. Parents will often overcompensate for problems they remember in their own childhood. Leave Your Personal History Out of Your Parenting And if you try to make it a friendship, it causes unnecessary conflict and angst. They have different notions about right and wrong. The truth is that children and adults have quite different notions about what they need to do. If you treat your child as a “friend,” you should understand this about friendship: friends are a group of people who have similar notions and ideas about life. Adults and Children Have Different Notions About Life So I think that you need to be a parent to your child and be loving, caring, and responsible. Instead, use your spouse or an adult friend. Don’t use your child as a confidant to share your problems. Kids have enough fear and anxiety of their own to deal with. It makes them anxious about something over which they have no control. One of the things you can share with a child is the statement, “We can’t afford that.” It’s a factual statement that explains the financial limits under which you must live.īut, what you shouldn’t share with the child is, “I don’t know how I’m going to pay the rent this month.” That’s something your child is not prepared for emotionally. I think you can share some things with a child without turning them into a confidant. But certain decisions-especially important ones-have to be made by you, the parent.Īt the end of the day, kids need to understand that the family acts as a unit, and the adults are responsible for the decisions. They can tell you what they like and dislike. But you and your child are not co-decision makers in any realistic way. When you make your child your confidant, you are saying that you and the child are co-decision makers. And then, if you give them consequences for that disrespect, they’re going to look at you as a hypocrite. Remember this: if you make your kid your confidant and disrespect authority figures in front of them, don’t be surprised when they disrespect that authority figure. But I had to follow the rules.”Ĭalling the teacher a jerk in front of your child makes your child your confidant, and that’s ineffective parenting. “Boy, I disliked that rule when I was in school too. Be careful what you say to your child about it.įor example, if you think the teacher’s a jerk for not letting your child chew gum, don’t say so to your child. If parents think teachers are in error, they should keep that to themselves and their peers and deal with the school directly. Don’t Criticize Your Child’s School or Teacher In Front of Your Child Just know that your fifteen- or ten-year-old child can’t be your confidant. If you’re forty years old and you want a confidant, find another forty-year-old. But it’s ineffective because the child is not morally, emotionally, or intellectually prepared to play that role. They want to share with the child how they feel about their grandmother, for example. It’s a very well-meaning trap that parents fall into.
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